Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Happy Birthday Peanut!

June 5th, 2008.... Happy Birthday to our baby...

Though I never held you in my arms, never got to touch your little face or hold your little hand, though I never got to smile at your little piggies or feel the joy of your first cry, I didn't feel you kick in my belly or watch you grow in the ultrasounds, I never gave you a "proper" name or even your first bath, and I will never feel the joy of taking you home in my arms or the stress of our first night alone, I may never change your diapers or help you to walk, never teach you to ride a bike or hold you after you take your first fall, I will never get to help you through school or your first heartache after your first crush, I will never watch you graduate kindergarten or even high school, never see you fall in love, and though I'll never look into your eyes and get to say these sweet words...... I will always love you. I thank God for allowing me to carry you, and I wish I could have kept you. I know you're safe and happy, surrounded by God's peace and love. I rest assured that you will spend your Birthday with family and that somehow you know I will always hold you in my heart... a mother's love knows no bounds. You touched my life in a way no one has....Happy Birthday Peanut! Mommy loves you.....forty nerdy.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

1 down...Forever to go

Well F and I just had our 1st Wedding Anniversary :-) I cannot believe that a year has passed already, and how much things have changed. Definately for the better! There has been some bumps and bruises along the way, but for every bump or bruise we acquire, we only grow stonger and more in love. I know we cry some times...laugh some times....fight some times, but there isn't anyone else I'd rather do that with. They say the first year is the toughest, trying to bring two lives together as one, and you know what.. They are right...the first year is tough, but we've made it...and now we only have forever to go!

I took F to the Carlisle Inn in Sugarcreek for our anniversary. I will let her tell you the details, but it was beautiful. Not to mention relaxing. We even went swimming...TWICE! Then upon checkout of the Inn, we drove through Amish Country and went to a couple of our favorite spots. Yeah Yeah, call us old...Driving through Amish Country and all....But after all, we are now an official old married couple!

Last year at this time we were enjoying Las Vegas. Man, do I miss it! I also miss all the family getting together. Do you think we should get re-married every year, so everyone can get together again??

But after 1 year of marriage..all I have to say is...

I love you F! and thanks for EVERYTHING!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Just a little update...

So yeah, it's been a while

Just wanted to give a little update on a few things going on around here.

First off, You have to check out the new Femmie mobile. It's a 2008 Chrysler Sebring LX. We traded in the PT Cruiser, being a stick shift, F couldn't drive it. And, of course, with rising gas prices, the Jeep's gas mileage had a lot to be desired.

The kids are growing like weeds, seems like yesterday they are babies, and today they're all grown up. Where does the time go.

F has had it tough lately, with all these doctors and hospital visits lately. But, fortunately, we have her all nursed back to health. She is now in tip-top shape and ready to take on the world.

As I said, not a whole lot going on around here, just wanted to said a few words and see how everyone is doing. I hope everyone is fine and we miss you guys!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Time Marches On...

Doesn't it seem like things should stop when something life altering happens? Maybe that's completely egocentric, but I'd like to believe that when you are on the down swing of the roller coaster everything should stop until you can catch your breath. Unfortunately, that isn't how God designed things.

I believe it's a life lesson to feel such grief or pain, the emptiness of matter what kind it might be...

Where am I going with this? Well...we lost our precious baby a few months ago, something that is still incredibly hard to admit. It's almost shameful in some a personal failure. Did I do anything wrong? Not according to doctors or nurses or even family. But in your mind, you will always blame least I will. You will always wonder what you could have done differently or what your baby may have been like. I had never known that grief could cause such physical pain. I've lost very important people in my life....but nothing could have ever prepared me to hear the doctor say that my baby's heart had stopped beating. At that moment, I believe time should have stopped....everything should have paused until we could breathe again. Nothing can prepare you for that's the blind drop in the ride that you can't see while standing in line, and nothing can take the hurt away.

It's ironic that when you hear the awful news you feel so alienated, like you are the only one who has ever experienced this pain....and yet I had never felt more protected or loved by my husband, my family, my doctors, and God. A good friend of my mom's and actually her boss (the pastor) told my mom to pass along these words "No matter what is happening, look in the faces of the doctors and nurses caring for you and know that God is working through them." Lying in the various beds and on tables, I remembered that and looked, really looked, at my care team...not as people but as workers blessed by God...workers given a gift to care for me physically when I needed it most. Funny how your perspective can change so quickly. Those words were what I needed to remind me that God hadn't done this to me...but that He had a plan and was allowing me to go through this to become stronger. It also reminded me that Larry and I weren't riding through this valley alone...the great Physician was working the controls all along.

Something else I learned is that when parents say it's hard to let go of their children, they aren't kidding around. I know I never got to name my baby, to know if it would be a boy or girl, I never was allowed to hold Peanut, and yet in that short time I was a mommy. How quickly we become attached to those little blessings. I say blessings because no matter how often you question God's reasoning, He still blessed us with the joy of a baby. We were able to conceive and feel that overwhelming joy, and while it was taken from us too's a blessing some never know or struggle for years to feel.

I still have lots of days filled with tears, lots of moments with gut wrenching know....the days when you see newborns everywhere, or pegnant women waddling, days that should have been a milestone in the pregnancy, times where you see baby things, or the day you put away your maternity clothes....and while life didn't pause for us, we're starting to breathe know...that moment when you have reached the bottom of the hill and the wind stops long enough for you not feel totally suffocated.

I have grown closer to my husband than I ever imagined. He is such an incredible support system and literally held my hand the entire time. He even made me a little "plaque" of sorts. He used dried rose petals that he gave me the day I got home from the hospital and the ultrasound picture we had of Peanut along with a beautiful poem. It now hangs on our wall in a place of honor and love for the little one that we long to meet one day. I rest assured that God and Aunt Kay are taking care of Peanut until I can get there. I think she'd love that....and it helps ease a little of the hurt.

When things get rough and you hit the bottom, the ride doesn't stop for you to learn to hold your breath until the worst is over....and at the end of the track you just have to look back and say "it was worth every minute"...because the moments you bottomed out made the hills and twists so much more exciting.

We are surviving and are better for it. I'm glad the ride didn't stop...I believe the best is yet to come.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

10 weeks

Well Peanut's now 10 weeks along. Can you believe it, 2 1/2 months? Where does the time go? Now it's the waiting game, I think I am going to go nuts waiting around. F doesn't go back to the doctor until after Thanksgiving. She is statring to feel a little better, although a dry heaving spell is not that uncommon. Poor F cannot have anything with dairy in it, and yes that includes ice cream :-(

But other than that F really likes her new job, besides the part where she cannot be with me all day. Hey, every job has its ups and downs...right? I try to take my lunch the same time as F, just to see each other for a minute or two, but only if I am in the area.

Thats all that is going on right now..nothing too exciting. I hope everyone is good and we'll keep you posted...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's Tuesday...

Hey's me...the other half of the blog. I still the other half or do I now count as the other 2/3? There's something to let your mind ponder...ok stop...the smoke coming from your brain is making it hard to read the screen anymore. ;-)

So, today was a pretty busy day. I actually had to get up and be a productive human being. I started my new job working as the accounts payable/accounts receivable assistant. It was slightly overwhelming and very busy. I'm not only learning my job but cross-training to learn everyone else's job too. I like that people can cover for me if I have to miss work...but this learning their job thing...that's for the birds LOL!!! Wouldn't it be a better policy just to tell them that I, the Princess, am the only one that will be allowed to miss work from this point on? hehehehe...I like this idea. Maybe I'll wait a day or two and make a suggestion LOL!!

Being that I had to work today, L had to work alone (sans his secretary). I don't know if he'll openly profess his undying love for me and his need to have me firmly planted in that seat next to him (or as he calls it, his "desk")...but I'll be the first to admit that I had a rough day today. I really missed him. It's hard to go from seeing each other 24/7 for 5 months to only seeing him for maybe 2 hours or so. I know we were really blessed in a way to have had that time together, especially with a baby on the way...but in some ways it made going back to work really hard. Then again....maybe I'm just super hormonal at the moment. I had a little meltdown on the way home because the house would be empty, so I soothed myself with a thing of oreos that I had been craving for a few days (no, I didn't eat the whole damn bag....but I could have). Isn't it funny how I went from independent and content to be alone to "independent" and hating the silence of an empty house because I miss that crazy boy? Ha! Who would have ever thunk it? Oh, I'm sure I'll learn to love the silence once the crying peanut arrives...but for now it's going to take some adjusting.

The baby is doing well...Still making me urp though not as regularly. Certain foods still really get me (like anything even close to being related to the dairy section), but I'm adjusting. L is such a trooper. He really is taking care of me. I couldn't ask for a better husband and father for my little peanut. He's amazing! Anything I need (even a cool cloth while I'm bowing to the porcelain god), he just jumps right in and takes control. I rest completely assured in the fact that my baby will never want for anything and will never be without the love and support of a wonderful daddy. He really makes this pregnancy thing a lot of fun!!

Not much else going on one day at a time. What's new with you? How's your day going? Anything exciting? We miss you all (even those who live super close) and send our love to you in truck loads!!! Till next time.... Forty Nerdy!!

Monday, October 15, 2007

6 Weeks 4 Days

So F and I went to the hospital today to get the first ultrasound done. We found out that she is 6 Weeks and 4 days along, which gives us a due date of JUNE 5th. It also verified that there is only one:-

The ultrasound was so cool you could see the baby's heart beating (at 103 beats per minute). The test just made the idea of have a child so surreal. I can't speak for F, but this is too awesome...I am sure she agrees!!

I just thought I would update you on the progress of ??????? (I bet you would love to know the name that goes in here)

I hope everything is good on your end and we will keep you posted!