June 5th, 2008.... Happy Birthday to our baby...
Though I never held you in my arms, never got to touch your little face or hold your little hand, though I never got to smile at your little piggies or feel the joy of your first cry, I didn't feel you kick in my belly or watch you grow in the ultrasounds, I never gave you a "proper" name or even your first bath, and I will never feel the joy of taking you home in my arms or the stress of our first night alone, I may never change your diapers or help you to walk, never teach you to ride a bike or hold you after you take your first fall, I will never get to help you through school or your first heartache after your first crush, I will never watch you graduate kindergarten or even high school, never see you fall in love, and though I'll never look into your eyes and get to say these sweet words...... I will always love you. I thank God for allowing me to carry you, and I wish I could have kept you. I know you're safe and happy, surrounded by God's peace and love. I rest assured that you will spend your Birthday with family and that somehow you know I will always hold you in my heart... a mother's love knows no bounds. You touched my life in a way no one has....Happy Birthday Peanut! Mommy loves you.....forty nerdy.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
1 down...Forever to go
Well F and I just had our 1st Wedding Anniversary :-) I cannot believe that a year has passed already, and how much things have changed. Definately for the better! There has been some bumps and bruises along the way, but for every bump or bruise we acquire, we only grow stonger and more in love. I know we cry some times...laugh some times....fight some times, but there isn't anyone else I'd rather do that with. They say the first year is the toughest, trying to bring two lives together as one, and you know what.. They are right...the first year is tough, but we've made it...and now we only have forever to go!
I took F to the Carlisle Inn in Sugarcreek for our anniversary. I will let her tell you the details, but it was beautiful. Not to mention relaxing. We even went swimming...TWICE! Then upon checkout of the Inn, we drove through Amish Country and went to a couple of our favorite spots. Yeah Yeah, call us old...Driving through Amish Country and all....But after all, we are now an official old married couple!
Last year at this time we were enjoying Las Vegas. Man, do I miss it! I also miss all the family getting together. Do you think we should get re-married every year, so everyone can get together again??
But after 1 year of marriage..all I have to say is...
I love you F! and thanks for EVERYTHING!
I took F to the Carlisle Inn in Sugarcreek for our anniversary. I will let her tell you the details, but it was beautiful. Not to mention relaxing. We even went swimming...TWICE! Then upon checkout of the Inn, we drove through Amish Country and went to a couple of our favorite spots. Yeah Yeah, call us old...Driving through Amish Country and all....But after all, we are now an official old married couple!
Last year at this time we were enjoying Las Vegas. Man, do I miss it! I also miss all the family getting together. Do you think we should get re-married every year, so everyone can get together again??
But after 1 year of marriage..all I have to say is...
I love you F! and thanks for EVERYTHING!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Just a little update...
So yeah, it's been a while
Just wanted to give a little update on a few things going on around here.
First off, You have to check out the new Femmie mobile. It's a 2008 Chrysler Sebring LX. We traded in the PT Cruiser, being a stick shift, F couldn't drive it. And, of course, with rising gas prices, the Jeep's gas mileage had a lot to be desired.
The kids are growing like weeds, seems like yesterday they are babies, and today they're all grown up. Where does the time go.
F has had it tough lately, with all these doctors and hospital visits lately. But, fortunately, we have her all nursed back to health. She is now in tip-top shape and ready to take on the world.
As I said, not a whole lot going on around here, just wanted to said a few words and see how everyone is doing. I hope everyone is fine and we miss you guys!
Just wanted to give a little update on a few things going on around here.
First off, You have to check out the new Femmie mobile. It's a 2008 Chrysler Sebring LX. We traded in the PT Cruiser, being a stick shift, F couldn't drive it. And, of course, with rising gas prices, the Jeep's gas mileage had a lot to be desired.
The kids are growing like weeds, seems like yesterday they are babies, and today they're all grown up. Where does the time go.
F has had it tough lately, with all these doctors and hospital visits lately. But, fortunately, we have her all nursed back to health. She is now in tip-top shape and ready to take on the world.
As I said, not a whole lot going on around here, just wanted to said a few words and see how everyone is doing. I hope everyone is fine and we miss you guys!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Time Marches On...
Doesn't it seem like things should stop when something life altering happens? Maybe that's completely egocentric, but I'd like to believe that when you are on the down swing of the roller coaster everything should stop until you can catch your breath. Unfortunately, that isn't how God designed things.
I believe it's a life lesson to feel such grief or pain, the emptiness of loss...no matter what kind it might be...
Where am I going with this? Well...we lost our precious baby a few months ago, something that is still incredibly hard to say...to admit. It's almost shameful in some ways...like a personal failure. Did I do anything wrong? Not according to doctors or nurses or even family. But in your mind, you will always blame yourself...at least I will. You will always wonder what you could have done differently or what your baby may have been like. I had never known that grief could cause such physical pain. I've lost very important people in my life....but nothing could have ever prepared me to hear the doctor say that my baby's heart had stopped beating. At that moment, I believe time should have stopped....everything should have paused until we could breathe again. Nothing can prepare you for that moment...it's the blind drop in the ride that you can't see while standing in line, and nothing can take the hurt away.
It's ironic that when you hear the awful news you feel so alienated, like you are the only one who has ever experienced this pain....and yet I had never felt more protected or loved by my husband, my family, my doctors, and God. A good friend of my mom's and actually her boss (the pastor) told my mom to pass along these words "No matter what is happening, look in the faces of the doctors and nurses caring for you and know that God is working through them." Lying in the various beds and on tables, I remembered that and looked, really looked, at my care team...not as people but as workers blessed by God...workers given a gift to care for me physically when I needed it most. Funny how your perspective can change so quickly. Those words were what I needed to remind me that God hadn't done this to me...but that He had a plan and was allowing me to go through this to become stronger. It also reminded me that Larry and I weren't riding through this valley alone...the great Physician was working the controls all along.
Something else I learned is that when parents say it's hard to let go of their children, they aren't kidding around. I know I never got to name my baby, to know if it would be a boy or girl, I never was allowed to hold Peanut, and yet in that short time I was a mommy. How quickly we become attached to those little blessings. I say blessings because no matter how often you question God's reasoning, He still blessed us with the joy of a baby. We were able to conceive and feel that overwhelming joy, and while it was taken from us too quickly...it's a blessing some never know or struggle for years to feel.
I still have lots of days filled with tears, lots of moments with gut wrenching pain....you know....the days when you see newborns everywhere, or pegnant women waddling, days that should have been a milestone in the pregnancy, times where you see baby things, or the day you put away your maternity clothes....and while life didn't pause for us, we're starting to breathe again...you know...that moment when you have reached the bottom of the hill and the wind stops long enough for you not feel totally suffocated.
I have grown closer to my husband than I ever imagined. He is such an incredible support system and literally held my hand the entire time. He even made me a little "plaque" of sorts. He used dried rose petals that he gave me the day I got home from the hospital and the ultrasound picture we had of Peanut along with a beautiful poem. It now hangs on our wall in a place of honor and love for the little one that we long to meet one day. I rest assured that God and Aunt Kay are taking care of Peanut until I can get there. I think she'd love that....and it helps ease a little of the hurt.
When things get rough and you hit the bottom, the ride doesn't stop for you to breathe....you learn to hold your breath until the worst is over....and at the end of the track you just have to look back and say "it was worth every minute"...because the moments you bottomed out made the hills and twists so much more exciting.
We are surviving and are better for it. I'm glad the ride didn't stop...I believe the best is yet to come.
I believe it's a life lesson to feel such grief or pain, the emptiness of loss...no matter what kind it might be...
Where am I going with this? Well...we lost our precious baby a few months ago, something that is still incredibly hard to say...to admit. It's almost shameful in some ways...like a personal failure. Did I do anything wrong? Not according to doctors or nurses or even family. But in your mind, you will always blame yourself...at least I will. You will always wonder what you could have done differently or what your baby may have been like. I had never known that grief could cause such physical pain. I've lost very important people in my life....but nothing could have ever prepared me to hear the doctor say that my baby's heart had stopped beating. At that moment, I believe time should have stopped....everything should have paused until we could breathe again. Nothing can prepare you for that moment...it's the blind drop in the ride that you can't see while standing in line, and nothing can take the hurt away.
It's ironic that when you hear the awful news you feel so alienated, like you are the only one who has ever experienced this pain....and yet I had never felt more protected or loved by my husband, my family, my doctors, and God. A good friend of my mom's and actually her boss (the pastor) told my mom to pass along these words "No matter what is happening, look in the faces of the doctors and nurses caring for you and know that God is working through them." Lying in the various beds and on tables, I remembered that and looked, really looked, at my care team...not as people but as workers blessed by God...workers given a gift to care for me physically when I needed it most. Funny how your perspective can change so quickly. Those words were what I needed to remind me that God hadn't done this to me...but that He had a plan and was allowing me to go through this to become stronger. It also reminded me that Larry and I weren't riding through this valley alone...the great Physician was working the controls all along.
Something else I learned is that when parents say it's hard to let go of their children, they aren't kidding around. I know I never got to name my baby, to know if it would be a boy or girl, I never was allowed to hold Peanut, and yet in that short time I was a mommy. How quickly we become attached to those little blessings. I say blessings because no matter how often you question God's reasoning, He still blessed us with the joy of a baby. We were able to conceive and feel that overwhelming joy, and while it was taken from us too quickly...it's a blessing some never know or struggle for years to feel.
I still have lots of days filled with tears, lots of moments with gut wrenching pain....you know....the days when you see newborns everywhere, or pegnant women waddling, days that should have been a milestone in the pregnancy, times where you see baby things, or the day you put away your maternity clothes....and while life didn't pause for us, we're starting to breathe again...you know...that moment when you have reached the bottom of the hill and the wind stops long enough for you not feel totally suffocated.
I have grown closer to my husband than I ever imagined. He is such an incredible support system and literally held my hand the entire time. He even made me a little "plaque" of sorts. He used dried rose petals that he gave me the day I got home from the hospital and the ultrasound picture we had of Peanut along with a beautiful poem. It now hangs on our wall in a place of honor and love for the little one that we long to meet one day. I rest assured that God and Aunt Kay are taking care of Peanut until I can get there. I think she'd love that....and it helps ease a little of the hurt.
When things get rough and you hit the bottom, the ride doesn't stop for you to breathe....you learn to hold your breath until the worst is over....and at the end of the track you just have to look back and say "it was worth every minute"...because the moments you bottomed out made the hills and twists so much more exciting.
We are surviving and are better for it. I'm glad the ride didn't stop...I believe the best is yet to come.
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